You know, despite all this huge LGBTQ acceptance and pride, I am still scared.
I grew up in an extremely religious household, and although homosexuality had never been discussed in depth, I know exactly what my family’s stance on it is. On the other hand, due to sexuality as a whole being a ‘no-go’ zone of discussion during my upbringing, I did not grow up believing homosexuality was “disgusting”, as seems to be the trend amongst many religious households. I was aware, however, that as far as my religion permitted, it was not acceptable. My stance was that it did not matter whether people were gay because they were not part of the religion, so did not have to abide by the rules. Therefore, during my high school years, I treated LGBTQ members normally and tried to defend their rights were possible. I always worried (in the back of my mind) that my support of the community would lead others to believe I was a lesbian myself.
My best friends also would say they supported the community, however they occasionally made comments, such as “I wouldn’t be able to be close friends with a lesbian/I would be so paranoid they fancy me.”
Over time, my extended family grew even more religious. I grew less religious, until one day I stopped believing. There was a weak connection to the concept of God anyway, but I realised my belief in God during my childhood had all been based upon fear, and I was ultimately unhappy being religious. I knew my family would never understand (remember that I said they were extremely religious), so (as ashamed as I am to admit this), I found myself awkwardly playing along to their homophobic comments, as a last ditch attempt to fit in, as well as cover up my own confusion about my sexuality.
I’ve been straight for as long as I’ve become sexually aware, but recently that has changed. I can no longer pretend that my girl crushes are just part of some ‘Woman Crush Wednesday’ hashtag or whatever. I’m attracted to girls.
I’m also attracted to boys, but my realisation that I am bisexual has shifted my attention more towards girls for the moment, and I’m finding myself wanting to date a girl more and more, and my interest in dating boys is waning at the moment, whilst I explore this side of me.
But, it’s hard. There’s only one person I really feel comfortable talking to about this apart from my secret blogs that nobody I personally know is aware I have, but it’s not really enough sometimes. I wish I could talk to my best friends about it without being scared I will be left out of sleepovers or talked about behind my back. I wish I could be accepted by my family without fearing I will be disowned. All this pride and media acceptance, and I’m still scared. So, that’s what’s going on at this moment in life.